Tuesday, April 6, 2010
A Lesson in Patience
As a note, I debated some about whether to share this, as I don't want it to come across the wrong way. I am not complaining, and don't want to sound ungrateful. I know there are many couples, even some very near to my heart, who are unable to conceive even one baby of their own or who conceive and cannot seem to carry their babies to term, and I can't begin to imagine how difficult and heart wrenching that much be. So please know what I've written doesn't come from a heart of ingratitude. I just wanted to share what's on my heart, in hopes of being real and perhaps encouraging some.
So that said, I have a confession. Motherhood has taught me so many lessons in patience, but the past few months, I have been learning a whole new sort of lesson in patience; that is, waiting to be a mother again. I have been struggling with waiting for the Lord to open my womb. It's something I've never experienced before, because I got pregnant with Katie just a few short weeks after our wedding. As most of you probably know, Ben and I are quiver-fully minded. That means we are planning to have as many children as the Lord will give us and we don't ever plan to prevent pregnancy. I guess since I got pregnant so quickly with Katie, I have always assumed I would get pregnant quickly for the entirety of my childbearing years.
I am still breastfeeding Katie four to five times per day, and I suspect that is part of what is keeping me from getting pregnant, but every month when "that time" rolls around, I start to get a little excited, and feel a slight disappointment when I find out there's not a sweet baby in my womb. I have toyed around with weaning, but for several reasons, I don't think that is the best option for us right now.
But, this mama's heart is still longing to have a positive pregnancy test, feel the sweet flutter of a growing baby in my womb, enjoy a cute, round pregnant belly (yes, I *loved* having a baby belly), and to finally hold a sweet newborn of my very own in my arms again. So, as I wait, the Lord continues to teach me a lesson in patience and trusting in Him that I've never learned before. It's easy for me to say we are trusting Him with our family size, but I am learning that I still have so.much to learn. As Scripture says, He is the One Who opens and closes the womb, and He is the Creator of life. And, even if He has ordained to never open my womb again, I am so very thankful for the precious daughter the Lord has given us. Even one sweet baby is more than we deserve!
So, while I'd love to be pregnant, I am thankful for a chance to be taught a lesson in patience and trusting by a gracious, sovereign, and loving Heavenly Father. What a blessing and joy to know He orchestrates everything in our lives for our good and His glory!
Photo by Per Ola Wilburg.